I felt like such a faker

I felt like such a faker. At least in the eyes of this woman. And I wondered if she was right.

Years ago I spoke at a retreat. After the first session, a woman in the audience made a beeline for me, introduced herself, and we spent the rest of the evening chatting. The next day after the morning session it was the same.

I spent a good portion of the retreat with this woman. Truth to be told, I didn't mind. She was fun, and I thought we were connecting.

But by Saturday night she had finally come to a decision. "You are nothing like you are on stage!" Looking back, I am not sure how she meant it. I wish I had asked her.

Unfortunately, I took it in an accusatory manner and was instantly embarrassed. If she was looking for a larger-than-life woman, she had come to the wrong speaker.

As you can probably tell, that comment has stuck with me. Over the years I have wondered if this woman felt cheated. She pursued friendship with a woman she thought was extroverted, loud, animated, and loved being the center of attention. What she found was an introvert.

Was I wrong for being one way when I was speaking and another when I was in a one-on-one conversation? Was I faking something in front of everyone?

According to Susan Cain's book "Quiet…", no I am not a faker. I'm passionate.
(Full disclosure - this is not a Christian book and there are a few aspects I strongly disagree with, but on the whole, it's been very interesting and encouraging) In her book, Susan writes about introverts acting like extroverts and vice versa for the sake of people and things that are very important to them. If something matters a lot, and that something requires you to act differently than your personality, you can and will do it for a time. For the sake of what you love.

I love teaching/speaking about the Bible. I love helping people to understand it better. I am passionate about this topic. Even off stage, if you get me in a conversation about Scripture, I can get extremely animated and intense. But on stage, well, I am aware that I need to keep the audience engaged and focused on me. I need to keep them listening, which means I need to keep them interested. 

I can finally answer that question from years ago. No, I am not faking my passion for Scripture when I'm on stage. If anything, the shift reveals how deeply I care. This is the way God made me.

And I am ok with that.